Example of Conflict Between Enneagram Type 9 (The
Peacemaker) and Type 8 (The Challenger)
Scenario:
Emma (Type 9) and John (Type 8) are a couple facing a recurring conflict over
decision-making in their relationship.
Emma (Type 9 – The Peacemaker):
● Core Motivation: To have inner peace and harmony.
● Key Traits: Easygoing, accommodating, and often avoids conflict.
● Typical Behaviour: Emma tends to go along with John’s decisions to avoid
arguments, suppressing her own needs and opinions to maintain peace.
John (Type 8 – The Challenger):
● Core Motivation: To be strong and in control.
● Key Traits: Assertive, confident, and confrontational.
● Typical Behaviour: John takes charge of situations and prefers to make
decisions quickly, sometimes coming across as domineering and dismissive
of Emma’s input.
Conflict:
John wants to make a major purchase, such as buying a new car, and decides on a
model without consulting Emma. Emma, who prefers a different model and feels her
opinion was overlooked, initially agrees to avoid confrontation but later feels
resentful and unvalued.
Emma’s Perspective (Type 9):
Emma feels frustrated and hurt because her needs and opinions were ignored. She
fears that expressing her dissatisfaction might lead to a confrontation, which she
desperately wants to avoid. As a result, she becomes passive-aggressive and
withdraws emotionally, hoping John will notice her discomfort.
John’s Perspective (Type 8):
John, valuing decisiveness and control, believes he made the best choice quickly and
efficiently. He interprets Emma’s silence as agreement and is surprised by her later
withdrawal and passive-aggressive behaviour. John feels confused and annoyed by
Emma’s lack of direct communication.
Resolution Through Enneagram Coaching:
1. Understanding Each Other’s Needs:
● Emma (9): Needs to feel heard and valued in decision-making
processes. She desires a harmonious relationship but not at the cost of
her own needs.
● John (8): Needs to respect Emma’s input and recognize that her
peacekeeping doesn’t mean she has no preferences. John should
appreciate Emma’s calmness and patience as strengths rather than
weaknesses.
2. Communication Strategies:
● For Emma: Learn to assertively express her opinions and needs without
fearing conflict. Understand that her voice matters and that
constructive disagreement can lead to better outcomes.
● For John: Develop the patience to listen and consider Emma’s
perspective before making decisions. Recognise the importance of
shared decision-making to ensure both partners feel valued.
3. Conflict Resolution Techniques:
● Schedule regular check-ins where both can discuss their thoughts and
feelings openly.
● Practice active listening and validate each other’s viewpoints.
● Find compromises that satisfy both partners, ensuring decisions are
mutually beneficial.
Outcome:
With Enneagram coaching, Emma and John can learn to appreciate their differences
and leverage them to create a more balanced relationship. Emma gains confidence
in expressing her needs, and John learns to slow down and include Emma in
decision-making. This understanding fosters a more harmonious and respectful
partnership, reducing conflicts and strengthening their bond